Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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