So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
