1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
