I smell stomach acid.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
