Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
