I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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