I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
