Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
