If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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