I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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