I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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