The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
