I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You are the jesus of drinking
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
