Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
