If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
