Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
