How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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