I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
