I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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