I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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