the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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