the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
