YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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