shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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