I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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