i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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