I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
