I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
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