I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
