please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
