today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
