I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
