I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
