Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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