Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
