Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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