i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
