in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
