I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
