We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
