the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
