i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
