Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
