I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Randomize
