i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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