My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
