the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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