I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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