I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
