He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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