I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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