I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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