for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
