Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
