she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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