The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
