btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
