so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize