don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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