turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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