i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize