i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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