I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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