How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
What a dumb baby whore.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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